By TDSpartan
WARNING: The following preview contains high traces of sesquipedalianism, which may lead to a majority of readers becoming discombobulated. Those perfunctory to my being a sesquipedalian, comb your merkin, ready the flapplejacks, and read on brave callipygians. Those who do not enjoy reading a plethora of slang terms for parts of the penis and other words, please stop being a cockchafer. Perhaps you are better suited engaging in a riveting game of chuck farthing, opposed to reading my preview. If you ignore the warning and proceed to give me a less than complimentary, floccinaucinihilipilification filled account of the preview, may your cremaster and epididymus exchange places. You have been warned. Forgive me, I tend to waffle on a bit, onto the Adelaide preview.

Introduction
This Friday, The Essendon Football Club takes on the Body Barrel Crows on their own inbred turf. Whilst ablution will no doubt take place after leaving that septic arena, it is whether they leave with victory that matters. It has been a long five years since the Essendon Football Club has taken part in the business end of the year. Far too long. This is arguably the biggest game for the club since the 2001 Grand Final. How they respond in this game, may set down the foundation stones for the future.

Lead Up
A spiteful encounter against the Headwobbler Football Club has seen a war of words in the media. Campbell Brown, a woman as hard as a rhododendron, and smaller than a zyzzyva, had the audacity to accuse EFC Champion and Captain Matthew Lloyd of being a sniper. Oh dear. In one of the largest expulsions of hot air since Krakatoa, he then went on to threaten Lloyd with an even up next time they met. This despite Miss Brown having an entire half in which he did nothing…. perhaps he left his stamen in his husbands purse. Brown is not a smart man. When asked by his year 10 maths teacher to “find Pi”, Brown returned with a VHS containing Jason Biggs on the case….

Tumescent headed Alice the Hare Clarkson then steamed in from his tiny little rabbit hole and let forth another discharge of abuse. Both such small, small men. I would hazard a guess that both have been knocked down by a queef. Yes, there has been much headwobbling, but little substance from the Headwobbler Football Club.

In contrast, Matthew Lloyds act of hari-kari on the field will not be forgotten. He put his body on the line for his club. He stood firm whilst every limp dick Headwobbler pathetically tried to get him back. Another small man, Community Chest Bateman gave Lloyd a cheap clothesline. If Lloyd was wearing his cravat, it would have been dislodged. Disgusting.

Interstate Record
In a word, pathetic. It does not take a eigenvector, or the use of cwm to tell us this. The Bombers have struggled to travel for years. Recent performances in WA on JewBeHackedLow Oval, have further enhanced this reputation. Twice, Essendon traveled to Circumcision Oval, and twice, they were reamed by bottom four teams. Splificated by two teams of custard chuckers…. disappointing would be a strong understatement. The last visit to Aami Stadium (Round 1 09) saw a Port Sadelaide team masticate us.

Media
You could probably get lower odds of Bjork lactating down her areola all over Arnold Schwarzenegger’s choda. No one gives us a chance. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Essendon plays its best football when it is a rank underdog. There is almost no expectation from the media. We have fallen into the 8 with 10 and a half wins.

This game should be a mere formality for the fart worthy Sadelaide Football Club, they will bury us so deep that a triangulation on Matthew Knights cell phone will be needed to find us. Essendon may as well book their end of year trip to Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu now.

This is what the media thinks. They are wrong. Wronger than the crazy flatulence filled hobo on my bus that claims “Jacobian is the plural of Jacob”. (I think his name is Dexter… NVM)

5 Key players
The following players are instrumental to our hopes of victory. Fire and we may well walk away from that shit hole with victory, and glory.

Watson
Explanation not really needed. Watson is our contested possession champion, and the last player on the team who you’d want struck down with Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. Will most likely captain the club next year. There will be no Ryder (Prescott’s man) to feed him, so it will be hard. Stand and deliver Jobe. Your time is now. Mcveigh and Prismall must provide assistance, though both had interrupted years.

Hurley
If Jack Watts talent could be quantified, the zenzizenzizenzic of this number would be M Hurley. It is terribly unfair to place such a burden on a KPP in their first year, but he is the X factor. Fresh from a BOG performance against the Headwobblers, Hurley will most likely spearhead the Essendon forwardline.

Pears
Another young KPP who has played above himself, and will need to continue to do so against Adelaide. I was tempted to put seasoned campaigner D Fletcher here, but no. More rests on Pears shoulders. Fletcher will deliver, he is Mr Reliable, and always does. If Pears falters, the defense will fall. If Pears holds his ground, even providing dash off the back flank, we are in with a serious chance. No need for a complicated diagonalisable plan, just hold them son.

Lovett-Murray
I surprise myself here really. I never thought I would put him here. Put down the quadraphonic stereo, this aint no time for rapping. The time to stand tall is here. Not only has Lovett-Murray served as the resident enforcer, but his high marking, and dash from the wings has been a highlight in recent weeks. Endeavor cannot ever be questioned. NLM busts his gut every week for the red and black. Has his critics, but has been silencing them lately. A big performance in a final might see them silenced forever.

Bellchambers
Another youngster, tasked with so much responsibility. Bellchambers must carry the rucking duties by himself in a final. This is a fourth string ruckman. An enormous job is ahead. I don’t think it is fair to expect Bellchambers to win his position, but he must offer something, and perhaps break even. This will help enormously, otherwise Sadelaide will have a mortgage on the clearances.

To any blitzers making the trip to Aami, or those who reside there (poor souls…), if you are a antidisestablishmentarianismist, watch yourself. Remember this is the City of Churches.

Tip
I have written two previews thus far, and both times have wrongly tipped Essendon to win. Based on the law of opposites, I shall tip Sadelaide. By 57 points.

But a win… ah that would be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious…..

(Oh and yes you can blame me if we lose for.)